Archive | venting

Defeat

19 Aug

IMG_3323This past week has been hard. Very hard. Like, wallow in your own self-pity and can’t move your muscles to get your ass out of the apartment hard. I’m not proud of it. There are people dying every second in this world and here I am feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling like this. But sometimes I sink into dark holes and can’t get out. And it’s sort of strange I’m feeling this after what was an amazing three-week cross country adventure. Usually trips make me more centered, invigorated, inspired. Instead I feel inspired… to give up. I’m sorry, I know y’all were probably expecting a positive post. But once in a blue moon I just can’t muster up the energy. This is how I’m truly feeling.

It’s no secret that this shit is hard. Maybe impossible. There is no guarantee that one day I will make a living acting (which is the ultimate dream) and I used to be okay with that. But recently I’m finding I’m not. I don’t know. I’m still working it out. Perhaps I am just speaking from a place of fear and, well, exhaustion. I’m tired. I’m tired of continually putting myself out there with no return. I’m tired of the constant unknown be it when’s my next paycheck or when’s my next play. I’m tired of scrambling to find jobs to support this crazy habit I have. I’m tired of stressing about money. I’m tired of having nothing to look forward to. I’m tired.

There are of course a lot of ups and downs with this pursuit and I’ve had my fair share (as I’m sure many of you have). However this last down went to particularly low depths and so it has been a lot harder climbing back up. What if I just left LA? What if I did something entirely different? But the crazy part in all this is, though just last week I was seriously considering giving up entirely (and that idea still sounds very appealing) I’m not. I can’t. Yet. Call it crazy, determined, delusional or whatever, I cannot think of what that other thing would be. What would I put all my heart and soul into if not acting? And so, although I feel defeated and I’m still climbing up out of the last fall, I am not defeated.

Keep Your Spirits Up… Perspective

12 Jul

Not gonna lie… sometimes, it’s really really REALLY hard to keep those spirits up. I am not always that good at it. For instance, when I ram my fucking (excuse my language) side mirror into the wall of my very tight parking space consequently ripping it off. I could literally hear that cash register sound cha-ching! go off the second it happened. Just stepping out my front door cost  $500, and I haven’t even gotten anywhere yet. This was, you could say, the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was quite easy to let this one incident snowball into everything else I am stressed out about (no money, shitty economy, a million job apps and no responses, no auditions of late and lacking the motivation to submit anyway, so many weddings and so little funds and so having to pick and choose and feeling like a shitty friend, discovering my actor website is cancelled and having to find and pay for a new hosting service…………………).

Perhaps it was all that stress that got me into the predicament in the first place.

But, here’s the thing. At least, no one got hurt. At least my car still drives. At least I have a car. At least I have a job, even if it’s not enough hours or pay. At least I have an apartment. At least I get to live in LA following my dreams. Yes, the reality of all that is often living paycheck to paycheck, hitching a ride to an audition, sacrificing new headshots for a new side mirror. I chose this particular path when I could’ve quite simply went a different route. Perhaps taking the corporate route, as a girlfriend and I were saying over coffee this morning. But it’s just not us. It’s just not me. I wouldn’t be happy. Not that I was happy this morning when I ripped my mirror off, took it to the bodyshop and found out I also need new tires, new brakes and while I’m at it a good ‘ol oil change and lacking the funds to pay for all of it. But I am very happy when I get to do readings, make theater, film a trailer, help kids put up a play, and I must remember that part. All the fun stuff that — though it pays very little — fills my heart and soul.

It’s funny because a few days ago I was going to write a post about how the whole acting thing feels so hopeless and pointless right now and yet, the mirror breaking prompted me to write this post and now I’ve convinced myself otherwise. I just had a director meeting for this awesome short play festival last night. I get to act in a reading this Sunday. And the trailer for my original feature is going to be finished any day now. Those are things I am stoked about. Not to mention starting grad school in the fall, plus new teaching responsibilities at the high school I work at. All good stuff. Positive stuff. And positive stuff brings more positive stuff, to put it so articulately. I guess I just needed to break a mirror to get a little reflection, gain a little perspective.

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What Else?!?

19 Mar

Ever have that nagging, restless, unsatisfied feeling where you’re just sitting in your living room by yourself, having just closed your lap top, tapping your fingers on the sidetable (not coffee table, cuz you still can’t afford one) not knowing what to do with yourself? Well, I did, just last week.

I was up-to-date with all my submissions (submitting by the hour, sometimes even more often!), I designed my postcard, I followed up on networking emails, I signed up for all applicable upcoming CD workshops (within my budget- again, poor), updated my CD target list with all pertinent info, researched new TV shows that might be right for my type, worked on memorizing my script for an upcoming play I’m in, did some character work for the play, met with my writing partner for a final round of edits on our screenplay, read some actor blogs… and… and… what else? What else can I do???

Of course I know an actor’s work is never done. That’s the cool/annoying thing about this career, there is always something you can be doing. But, what? I found myself at a standstill, not being able to think of anything, not knowing what to do with myself. The real reason I was feeling so unsatisfied, as my boyfriend thoughtfully pointed out, is I  was unrealistically waiting to see the fruits of my labor– right then and there! Silly, I know, but he was right! It was this feeling of, “Okay, I’ve put all this work in, now let’s see what I get!” But I know that’s not how it works. I know that! And yet, there I was, sitting alone in my living room (subconsciously) waiting, hoping for something to happen.

Fortunately, I got over it. I had rehearsal the next day, an audition the day after, performances over the weekend… Again, I have a lot to feel grateful for. Coincidentally, I did come across two helpful posts from actor-friendly sites, which were rather timely. So, I thought I’d share:

1. What Can I Actually DO…?

I came across this as I was stumbling through actor blog posts on various topics. This topic, of course, is exactly what I’ve been talking about. I talk about many of the things on this list throughout my blog, like making your own work- something I tout often, as the blogger Ben Whitehair does throughout this list of things you can actually do.

2. How to Stay Sharp During Down Time

This one came by way of my boyfriend, as it was just too perfect to my issue that day. Dallas Travers, “actor advocate”, often gives great, concise pieces of advice. In this quick video she goes over some things you can do in the down time between gigs, to keep sane and motivated.

More Fun with Female Breakdowns

19 Sep

MEL
30, a rundown whore, thin, bony and pale with a chipped front tooth, in a fine selection of goodwill chic topped of with cowboy boots and an oversized purse. Mel is certainly not the Vegas type whore; for her it almost seems as if she made a conscious choice pursuing her ‘career’.  She is not a drug wreck, but she is skinny and pale, smoking and drinking like a sailor. She may or may not have severe health issues (she is coughing really bad and has a rash on her face…not sure if it’s her lifestyle or if her health is on the line). Aside all that she is sort of cute in her very own ways.

(yay, more whores! but she’s a unique whore because she’s certainly not the Vegas type. and, besides, “aside from all that she is sort of cute” so it makes it all okay. yay!)

FEMME FATALE
A young girl 18-25 years of age (ethnicity open) to play the femme fetale of the film. The girl we seek is a young luminous Angelina Jolie type. We need someone so beautiful it would be believable she could lure two lifelong friends to become enemies.

(believe it or not, I’ve actually read this same character description MANY times- “so beautiful” to make friends become enemies. what does that even mean? and is beauty really our only asset? ok, and stepping off my soap box…)

TRINAE
Lead / Female / African American, Asian, Caucasian, Hispanic, Ethnically Ambiguous / 18 – 22
**PLEASE READ CAREFULLY AND ONLY SUBMIT IF THIS IS SOMETHING YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH** LEGAL 18+ A sexy, barely legal, like girl. Precocious teenager. Three way kissing as well as- kissing breast. No Nudity.

(well at least there’s no nudity, right? just, “kissing breast”)

LUCY
Lead / Female / All Ethnicities /18 – 30
Lesbian stripper Femme Fatale

(love it- straight and to the point)

CATHERINE
Lead / Female / Caucasian, Hispanic, Middle Eastern / 20 – 35 / Nudity / Sexual Situations
A Young Innocent Nun working at a church. When her sister gets murdered she is convinced that she is responsible to find out the murderer. She leaves the church and becomes a bartender at a strip club where her sister used to work at to find out the details of her sister’s murder. *SEXUAL SITUATIONS/NUDITY: She has one scene where she dances topless for the club owner in order to get a job there. She has one explicit sex scene with a guy (suspect). Topless shown from front and full back nudity, She has one scene where she dances topless with another girl on stage and she makes out with her. YOU MUST BE COMFORTABLE WITH EVERYTHING …

(do you know how many variations to this character there are in the daily breakdowns? girl-next-door-turned-stripper, high-school-teacher-turned-whore, but you gotta love young-innocent-nun-turned-topless-dancer!)

PAINT GIRL
Lead / Female / All Ethnicities /18 – 30
We need a very hot, sexy girl to sell paint. It is a commercial, there is no dialogue.

(because hot sexy girls can sell anything! yes, even paint! I once saw this great ad selling tile flooring and it was a naked woman with two tiles covering her boobs. awesome.)

CONSUELA VALDARAMA
Supporting / Female / 25 – 35 / Hispanic
Consuela is Justin’s assistant. She looks like a sexual harassment case just waiting to happen with her figure. She exudes sex appeal, but she is very competent and keeps Justin on top of everything at the office. He would be lost without her sharp wit and guiding hand. Sofia Vergara type.

(“sexual harassment case just waiting to happen”???? I don’t even know where to begin with that one. I mean, seriously… also, I love how sex appeal and competency are contradictory in this person’s eyes **NOTE: I was going through the breakdowns and this one was still up ONE MONTH after it was posted. Hmmm, guess they just can’t find that one perfect actor for the part…)

CLAIRE-B
Lead / Female / All Ethnicities / 27-37
**PLEASE READ CAREFULLY AND ONLY SUBMIT IF THIS IS SOMETHING YOU ARE COMFORTABLE WITH** CLAIRE-B is one half of the Claire character. She is the ID. She is sassy and smart and enthusiastic and uninhibited. Claire-B will be taking her clothes off and covering her self with cocobutter. She will be rubbing and stroking her breasts and crotch area. **MUST BE COMFORTABLE WITH TOPLESS NUDITY. ALL OTHER NUDITY WILL ONLY BE IMPLIED** **WE WILL WORK WITH YOU ON YOUR COMFORT LEVEL**

(I mean, do they want someone to audition for this part? Covering herself with cocobutter …)


A FASHONISTA OF TRAVEL

Lead / Female / All Ethnicities / 18-30
Looking for the princess of travel. Spa lover, Mall expert, restaurant connoisseur. Someone that loves the lap of luxury and lives in it always. Big plus if you have the financial backing to support your extravagant life style. Not looking for Actors, we are in search of real people with the love of travel.

(right, cuz what the hell would actors be doing on a site like LA casting reading a post like this?  and, um, stereotype much? I know, I know, there are women like this, but do we really need more “princess” “spa lover” “lap of luxury” types on reality shows right now? yeah, didn’t think so)

So here’s the thing. These characters could very well be great, interesting, deep, layered, or complicated people and they just had unfortunate character descriptions, and they could very well be a part of really great films helmed by really great directors. All I’m saying is, let’s get a little diversity in these types!

Some more Fun Female Breakdowns.