This past week has been hard. Very hard. Like, wallow in your own self-pity and can’t move your muscles to get your ass out of the apartment hard. I’m not proud of it. There are people dying every second in this world and here I am feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling like this. But sometimes I sink into dark holes and can’t get out. And it’s sort of strange I’m feeling this after what was an amazing three-week cross country adventure. Usually trips make me more centered, invigorated, inspired. Instead I feel inspired… to give up. I’m sorry, I know y’all were probably expecting a positive post. But once in a blue moon I just can’t muster up the energy. This is how I’m truly feeling.
It’s no secret that this shit is hard. Maybe impossible. There is no guarantee that one day I will make a living acting (which is the ultimate dream) and I used to be okay with that. But recently I’m finding I’m not. I don’t know. I’m still working it out. Perhaps I am just speaking from a place of fear and, well, exhaustion. I’m tired. I’m tired of continually putting myself out there with no return. I’m tired of the constant unknown be it when’s my next paycheck or when’s my next play. I’m tired of scrambling to find jobs to support this crazy habit I have. I’m tired of stressing about money. I’m tired of having nothing to look forward to. I’m tired.
There are of course a lot of ups and downs with this pursuit and I’ve had my fair share (as I’m sure many of you have). However this last down went to particularly low depths and so it has been a lot harder climbing back up. What if I just left LA? What if I did something entirely different? But the crazy part in all this is, though just last week I was seriously considering giving up entirely (and that idea still sounds very appealing) I’m not. I can’t. Yet. Call it crazy, determined, delusional or whatever, I cannot think of what that other thing would be. What would I put all my heart and soul into if not acting? And so, although I feel defeated and I’m still climbing up out of the last fall, I am not defeated.