Gratitude, an Exercise

5 Mar

These first two months of the year have simultaneously brought two things: opportunities & doubt. Seems a little contradictory, I know. I’ve seen the seedlings sprouting (this career is all about planting the seeds), and I’m trying really hard to ride the momentum and not get lazy now (i.e. let the fear kick in). However, on the same token I’ve been in a slump– an emotional one. I’ve been having a really rough time. I’ve had enough therapy to know that these two things could very well be connected. Fear of success, anyone? But it doesn’t make the feelings go away. It’s the usual actor-slump stuff (and probably the usual twenty-something slump stuff, too!): feeling lost, directionless, penniless, careerless, scared of my debt and no health insurance and the DWP bill that refuses to go away, afraid I’ll never be able to afford a home/puppy/wedding/family/ life! Sometimes I just want to say FORGET IT! I’m moving to the mountains, work at a cafe and make art. The end. But that isn’t my dream. Not now, anyway. That would be me running away.

And, the funny thing is, I am making progress! Things are happening. I’ve had all these opportunities and I’m taking all these steps. So, I wanted to write out all that is happening and why I should be grateful. Kind of like an exercise for myself to keep things in perspective. Perhaps this will help ease the pain of the slump while, in fact, I’m not in a slump at all…. I’m moving forward.

  1. I’m grateful for getting to be a part of important projects at the start of the year, sharing voices that don’t always get heard and telling stories that need to be told. Last weekend I closed Occupy the Heart at Casa0101 with an incredible cast, telling stories of the “99%” through plays and poetry, and without skipping a beat, next weekend I open theVagina Monologues and a new ensemble piece, “Voiced“, for Silverlake’s Women’s Festival at the Lyric-Hyperion Theater, also with an incredible cast, telling women’s stories through monologues (duh), poetry, and song.
  2. I’m grateful for getting into a casting director workshop studio. I finally scheduled an audition and got in, and now I’ve been signing up for agency and CD workshops to get myself out there more. I’m grateful that I finally feel ready to do this.
  3. I’m grateful for an incredible and almost serendipitous opportunity to work with the director of my favorite movie of ALL-TIME on a new project he is developing. I’m also grateful for the insanely kind words he shared with me at the end of that day, which was exactly what I needed to hear. I’m grateful he gave me the words I can hold on to now when I need to hear them again.
  4. I’m grateful for having day job(s) even if they drive me crazy and don’t necessarily pay all the bills. And I’m grateful that one of them actually relates to the work I want to do, working with young adults and helping them also create and tell stories. To teach them and encourage them to use theater, writing and poetry to express themselves and to change others.
  5. I’m grateful for having an awesome apartment, that I get to share with a loving partner and two crazy kitties.
  6. Finally, I’m grateful I have a dream I get to follow in the first place!