writing because I have to write. Not because I have a specific idea for
a post. Or because I have anything in particular to get off my chest.
For months now I’ve thought, guiltily, about this blog floating around
the interwebs all lonely without a post since MARCH. I felt
guilty because I was letting myself down. Because I told myself I’d mark
my acting progress along the way and I stopped. I kept thinking about
how I should write but never knew what to write. Or I kept feeling like I had nothing worthy to write. Or, I’d think -gasp- that I should just scrap the blog altogether.
And then it hit me– I just have to DO it. I love writing. I love
acting. And with both writing and acting and pretty much all of the arts
you can’t just sit around and wait for someone to offer you a gig or
for inspiration to strike– you just gotta DO IT. Like they call Yoga a
practice (which reminds me I’ve gotta get back on that). Or gratitude a
practice. I think it’s the same with writing, and acting for that
matter. You have to keep doing it to form that habit. It does require a
little bit of effort, but once you’re on that track boy does it feel
good. So. Here I am, writing. I don’t know what I have to say but I’m
gonna work it out as I navigate all my thoughts in this public forum!
Here’s the thing, it’s not like I haven’t had stuff to write about. I
booked my first TV gig as a nurse on Sex Sent Me to the ER. It was a
blast to shoot. Then I booked my first national commercial, for Honda,
which is now running! I joined a local playwright reading group
Playground LA which had our first staged reading the other week. I have
an incredible new job where I get to perform pretty much every day and
when I’m not I get to work with kids. I have a kick-ass manager who is
supportive and helpful. Not to mention my amazing friends & family,
awesome apartment in the heart of Silverlake, my two kitties. Things are
good. So what’s the problem?
Sometimes I don’t recognize all that I’ve accomplished and therefore
feel unsuccessful and, of course, doubt my career choice. Or, I do see
what I’ve accomplished and feel like it’s not enough. Or (and maybe this
is the most accurate) now that I have had some tangible actor
“wins” (TV booking, national commercial, etc) I’m afraid of what’s next.
More possibility for failure. More unknowns. And, maybe scariest of
all, more success. I DID succeed and it’s scary because it
means I CAN do this which means I should KEEP GOING. I don’t have the
excuse that it’s impossible to book a gig because I did. I don’t have
the excuse that I can’t get representation because I did. In fact, none
of my excuses work anymore. And that’s terrifying because now the only
thing holding me back, in case it wasn’t clear before, is ME!
My First National Spot!
So I guess this post is a reminder to myself (and anyone out there
reading) to get out of your own way. Give yourself the opportunity to
fail. And thereby giving yourself the opportunity to succeed.
The past month has been a whirlwind, but I guess I could say the same
for the past year. The past year and a half to be exact. That is how
long it’s taken to get to this point– shooting the fundraising trailer
for my film! It’s crazy to me that it’s happening. We had Day 1 of
shooting yesterday, Day 2 is today and I’m going to be honest here; I
have NO idea what I’m doing! I’m scared shitless.
Part of me wishes I had more time, more money, more knowledge. But I
know that the only way to work past fear is through it and the only way
to get something made is to do it. If I waited for the perfect time, the
perfect budget, the perfect this, that and the other, the trailer– and
the film for that matter– could’ve, and probably would’ve, always
remained just a dream. But here I am in the middle of it all, just
flying by the seat of my pants!
There were definitely many points throughout the day where I thought,
“Oh my god this is actually happening right now. This is so awesome.”
My friend/writing partner and I would just look at each other in
excitement, and say “This is going to look so cool!” I can’t believe all
the favors we’ve pulled, the locations we got and the little team we
assembled. This is what making your own work feels like– amazing (and
terrifying, exhausting, confusing… I mean, I’m not gonna lie. But after
all that, it is still a truly unique and amazing experience).
Can’t wait to share the footage! In the mean time, I included some pics from the shoot…
Remember when I said, even when you make it you don’t make it? Well, I didn’t make it.
After being strung along for about THREE months, I finally got
official word that my scene just wasn’t going to make the cut in an
indie film I had got cast in. Due to budget restrictions, apparently,
what was going to be a feature length was reduced back to a short which
simply didn’t have room for little ‘ol me.
Yes, I’m bummed– the crew seemed cool and the bit part was fun– but I
kind of had this feeling from the beginning so I can’t say I am
surprised. It’s not like I was holding my breath or anything. I know
that you have to keep swimming along, taking up every opportunity handed
to you because, sometimes, Even When You Make It, You Don’t Make It.
It’s no coincidence that two amazing opportunities come my way at
the very same time. I got an incredible job offer to direct budding
actors in a high school Shakespeare Fall ’10 production and an audition
for a beautiful and moving play, whose lead role seems like it was meant
for me. I had my first interview for the job the same weekend I had the
audition for the play. Both shows go up in October. And though one
doesn’t necessarily mean I can’t do the other, it would be difficult.
But, I haven’t signed anything for either so this is really all
speculation. I could get both, I could get neither. I just found it
interesting that both opportunities presented themselves at the same
time and they both take place at the same time. Opportunity definitely
breeds opportunity. It always feels like I’m either insanely busy
juggling projects and jobs, or bored to tears bummed I have nothing
Well, I hope I get both… because that could only mean MORE opportunities!