Opportunity to Fail

24 Oct

IMG_6196I’m writing because I have to write. Not because I have a specific idea for a post. Or because I have anything in particular to get off my chest. For months now I’ve thought, guiltily, about this blog floating around the interwebs all lonely without a post since MARCH. I felt guilty because I was letting myself down. Because I told myself I’d mark my acting progress along the way and I stopped. I kept thinking about how I should write but never knew what to write. Or I kept feeling like I had nothing worthy to write. Or, I’d think -gasp- that I should just scrap the blog altogether.

And then it hit me– I just have to DO it. I love writing. I love acting. And with both writing and acting and pretty much all of the arts you can’t just sit around and wait for someone to offer you a gig or for inspiration to strike– you just gotta DO IT. Like they call Yoga a practice (which reminds me I’ve gotta get back on that). Or gratitude a practice. I think it’s the same with writing, and acting for that matter. You have to keep doing it to form that habit. It does require a little bit of effort, but once you’re on that track boy does it feel good. So. Here I am, writing. I don’t know what I have to say but I’m gonna work it out as I navigate all my thoughts in this public forum!

Here’s the thing, it’s not like I haven’t had stuff to write about. I booked my first TV gig as a nurse on Sex Sent Me to the ER. It was a blast to shoot. Then I booked my first national commercial, for Honda, which is now running! I joined a local playwright reading group Playground LA which had our first staged reading the other week. I have an incredible new job where I get to perform pretty much every day and when I’m not I get to work with kids. I have a kick-ass manager who is supportive and helpful. Not to mention my amazing friends & family, awesome apartment in the heart of Silverlake, my two kitties. Things are good. So what’s the problem?

Sometimes I don’t recognize all that I’ve accomplished and therefore feel unsuccessful and, of course, doubt my career choice. Or, I do see what I’ve accomplished and feel like it’s not enough. Or (and maybe this is the most accurate) now that I have had some tangible actor “wins” (TV booking, national commercial, etc) I’m afraid of what’s next. More possibility for failure. More unknowns. And, maybe scariest of all, more success. I DID succeed and it’s scary because it means I CAN do this which means I should KEEP GOING. I don’t have the excuse that it’s impossible to book a gig because I did. I don’t have the excuse that I can’t get representation because I did. In fact, none of my excuses work anymore. And that’s terrifying because now the only thing holding me back, in case it wasn’t clear before, is ME!

honda fit still

My First National Spot!

So I guess this post is a reminder to myself (and anyone out there reading) to get out of your own way. Give yourself the opportunity to fail. And thereby giving yourself the opportunity to succeed.

Guest Post: What Actors Need in a Day Job

3 Mar

One of the biggest struggles for actors is finding a day job. In a perfect world, acting work alone would be enough to pay the bills. Unfortunately, very few actors ever get to that point, and even if we do, we still have to endure the waiting period beforehand, that limbo of ‘when-will-my-big-break-come?’ and ‘will-this-all-pay-off-in-the-end-or-won’t-it?’ which, quite simply, is purgatory. Thus we are forced into that storied crevice between a rock and a hard place. We want to support our art, while being able to support ourselves at the same time.

Thus was born the day job. A survival job to keep us going, literally surviving, alive, eating and with a roof over our heads, so that we may continue to seek out acting work that furthers our artistic careers. But that doesn’t take away from our careers so that we are unable to do this.

So what do you do when you want both a promotion and to play Hamlet?

Here’s what actors need in a day job:

• Flexibility. The life of an actor is one with erratic demands. You never know when the next audition appointment will be or touring show will come. Your job needs to be able to mold to these demands, whether that means allowing you to change your hours, or make up work later, or work from home some days.

• Adequate Pay. This is seemingly a no-brainer, but shockingly difficult to find. Art may feed our soul, but we need to feed our bodies as well (and therefore feed our wallets)! It’s difficult to think about the nuances of your monologue if you don’t have enough money to pay your rent or buy food.

• Peace. You don’t need to love your job. Sadly, most people don’t. But you also shouldn’t hate it either. Your job is something you have to do for most of the hours of your life. Hating your job can create and fuel negativity in your life, which can carry over into and affect your acting. Ideally, you should be at peace with your day job.

• Enrichment. The best day job is one that enriches you as a person, and thus as an artist as well. As artists, we draw inspiration from our lives. Any work that draws upon our creative skills and abilities (writing, design, teaching), keeps our creativity constantly engaged, making it easier to access when the time comes to draw upon it. Similarly, work that entails a lot of social interaction can be great for studying people, something which actors always have to do. However, this can admittedly be a catch-22. If you fall into the category who’s not quite at peace with your job, think of it this way: it can be great motivation to get to where you want to be in your career.

• Honesty. One last thing: perhaps the most important thing you need in a day job is the freedom to be honest. Honesty is the best policy when it comes to pursuing dual careers. Full transparency with your employer about what you can offer them (a fantastic employee) but what you also need from them (primarily flexibility and understanding, but a supportive fan wouldn’t hurt either!).

For my day job, I manage the blog for Washington University in St. Louis’s online Master of Laws program. I didn’t enter college thinking I’d someday end up writing about law; I barely even knew what an LLM was! But it just so happened that the combination of my student job at my university’s law school and my writing experience led me to this path. My work is flexible, in that I can study craft at The Barrow Group, an off-off-Broadway theatre company, or quickly run out to get headshots taken, and come to work after. It pays the bills and allows me to use skills like writing, editing, and web strategy that feed both my creativity and my non-acting resume. While it’s not playing Cleopatra, it’s a pretty good gig in the meantime.

Piyali Syam is an actress and writer currently living in New York City.

Just when I thought it would die….

29 Nov

it came back up like a wild fire that began with a single ember.

Love Nail Tree STORY: 6th Edition TheatreThe other month I posted about my feeling of defeat. The immense weight of a passion unfulfilled, of a passion no longer. It was an existential crisis of sorts, what do I do if I don’t act? How do I organize my life without the one thing that has been my driving force since I was seven? I got dangerously low on that fuel gage. I let the empty light flash for quite a long time and I was going to let it just… run out of gas and die on the side of the road. I didn’t know how I’d get moving from there but I didn’t care. I’d just let it run its course.

But then something saved me. I reluctantly kept submitting on Actors Access, LA Casting even though my heart wasn’t in it. I’d get auditions, call-backs and then the road would end there. I was like call back queen and it started to get on my nerves. One such project was a random theater gig in Downtown LA. I didn’t think much of it as I attended the audition and then, a week later, the call back. In my defensive mode, I wrote it off– yet another gig I wouldn’t book.  Whatever. Who cares anymore. I even let my Actors Access account expire. A couple of weeks past. See, I thought, figures. I was proved wrong. I got the part. However, I still wrote it off as a meaningless project. I belittled it, but what I was really doing was belittling myself. I even debated whether or not to accept it even though the last three months was a string of no-shows when all I wanted was to perform. Fortunately, I said yes. Luckily, it was the exact experience I needed at  precisely the right time. I was able to re-fuel.

The theater project, produced by a cool LA-based indie clothing company, involved devising six short plays from conception to script to stage. The five of us “collaborators” would meet three times a week for three hours every week for seven weeks, brainstorming, improvising, writing, directing and creating this brand new show from scratch. I felt like a kid again, reminded of the simple joys in acting– the invention, the play, the camaraderie. This is why I fell in love with theater in the first place. Why I was hypnotized by a high school production I happened to see years ago, and why I decided to pursue this crazy passion despite all the fears I had surrounding it. After seven weeks of working together with an ensemble, playing stupid games that anyone outside the world of acting would find embarrassing or crazy or both, writing parts for ourselves, stepping into multiple characters’ shoes, I fell back in love with acting. By the final night of our brief four-night run, I realized that I do love acting, that I am good at it, that it’s worth doing. DUH.

I’m awake now. I have drive. I’m writing like never before. I have a new idea that I’m itching to get off the ground. I’m in a kick-ass theater company.  I renewed my account. I have an awesome manager.

The fire’s still burning…

Defeat

19 Aug

IMG_3323This past week has been hard. Very hard. Like, wallow in your own self-pity and can’t move your muscles to get your ass out of the apartment hard. I’m not proud of it. There are people dying every second in this world and here I am feeling sorry for myself. I hate feeling like this. But sometimes I sink into dark holes and can’t get out. And it’s sort of strange I’m feeling this after what was an amazing three-week cross country adventure. Usually trips make me more centered, invigorated, inspired. Instead I feel inspired… to give up. I’m sorry, I know y’all were probably expecting a positive post. But once in a blue moon I just can’t muster up the energy. This is how I’m truly feeling.

It’s no secret that this shit is hard. Maybe impossible. There is no guarantee that one day I will make a living acting (which is the ultimate dream) and I used to be okay with that. But recently I’m finding I’m not. I don’t know. I’m still working it out. Perhaps I am just speaking from a place of fear and, well, exhaustion. I’m tired. I’m tired of continually putting myself out there with no return. I’m tired of the constant unknown be it when’s my next paycheck or when’s my next play. I’m tired of scrambling to find jobs to support this crazy habit I have. I’m tired of stressing about money. I’m tired of having nothing to look forward to. I’m tired.

There are of course a lot of ups and downs with this pursuit and I’ve had my fair share (as I’m sure many of you have). However this last down went to particularly low depths and so it has been a lot harder climbing back up. What if I just left LA? What if I did something entirely different? But the crazy part in all this is, though just last week I was seriously considering giving up entirely (and that idea still sounds very appealing) I’m not. I can’t. Yet. Call it crazy, determined, delusional or whatever, I cannot think of what that other thing would be. What would I put all my heart and soul into if not acting? And so, although I feel defeated and I’m still climbing up out of the last fall, I am not defeated.

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