I’m writing because I have to write. Not because I have a specific idea for a post. Or because I have anything in particular to get off my chest. For months now I’ve thought, guiltily, about this blog floating around the interwebs all lonely without a post since MARCH. I felt guilty because I was letting myself down. Because I told myself I’d mark my acting progress along the way and I stopped. I kept thinking about how I should write but never knew what to write. Or I kept feeling like I had nothing worthy to write. Or, I’d think -gasp- that I should just scrap the blog altogether.
And then it hit me– I just have to DO it. I love writing. I love acting. And with both writing and acting and pretty much all of the arts you can’t just sit around and wait for someone to offer you a gig or for inspiration to strike– you just gotta DO IT. Like they call Yoga a practice (which reminds me I’ve gotta get back on that). Or gratitude a practice. I think it’s the same with writing, and acting for that matter. You have to keep doing it to form that habit. It does require a little bit of effort, but once you’re on that track boy does it feel good. So. Here I am, writing. I don’t know what I have to say but I’m gonna work it out as I navigate all my thoughts in this public forum!
Here’s the thing, it’s not like I haven’t had stuff to write about. I booked my first TV gig as a nurse on Sex Sent Me to the ER. It was a blast to shoot. Then I booked my first national commercial, for Honda, which is now running! I joined a local playwright reading group Playground LA which had our first staged reading the other week. I have an incredible new job where I get to perform pretty much every day and when I’m not I get to work with kids. I have a kick-ass manager who is supportive and helpful. Not to mention my amazing friends & family, awesome apartment in the heart of Silverlake, my two kitties. Things are good. So what’s the problem?
Sometimes I don’t recognize all that I’ve accomplished and therefore feel unsuccessful and, of course, doubt my career choice. Or, I do see what I’ve accomplished and feel like it’s not enough. Or (and maybe this is the most accurate) now that I have had some tangible actor “wins” (TV booking, national commercial, etc) I’m afraid of what’s next. More possibility for failure. More unknowns. And, maybe scariest of all, more success. I DID succeed and it’s scary because it means I CAN do this which means I should KEEP GOING. I don’t have the excuse that it’s impossible to book a gig because I did. I don’t have the excuse that I can’t get representation because I did. In fact, none of my excuses work anymore. And that’s terrifying because now the only thing holding me back, in case it wasn’t clear before, is ME!
So I guess this post is a reminder to myself (and anyone out there reading) to get out of your own way. Give yourself the opportunity to fail. And thereby giving yourself the opportunity to succeed.