Not gonna lie… sometimes, it’s really really REALLY hard to keep those spirits up. I am not always that good at it. For instance, when I ram my fucking (excuse my language) side mirror into the wall of my very tight parking space consequently ripping it off. I could literally hear that cash register sound cha-ching! go off the second it happened. Just stepping out my front door cost $500, and I haven’t even gotten anywhere yet. This was, you could say, the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was quite easy to let this one incident snowball into everything else I am stressed out about (no money, shitty economy, a million job apps and no responses, no auditions of late and lacking the motivation to submit anyway, so many weddings and so little funds and so having to pick and choose and feeling like a shitty friend, discovering my actor website is cancelled and having to find and pay for a new hosting service…………………).
Perhaps it was all that stress that got me into the predicament in the first place.
But, here’s the thing. At least, no one got hurt. At least my car still drives. At least I have a car. At least I have a job, even if it’s not enough hours or pay. At least I have an apartment. At least I get to live in LA following my dreams. Yes, the reality of all that is often living paycheck to paycheck, hitching a ride to an audition, sacrificing new headshots for a new side mirror. I chose this particular path when I could’ve quite simply went a different route. Perhaps taking the corporate route, as a girlfriend and I were saying over coffee this morning. But it’s just not us. It’s just not me. I wouldn’t be happy. Not that I was happy this morning when I ripped my mirror off, took it to the bodyshop and found out I also need new tires, new brakes and while I’m at it a good ‘ol oil change and lacking the funds to pay for all of it. But I am very happy when I get to do readings, make theater, film a trailer, help kids put up a play, and I must remember that part. All the fun stuff that — though it pays very little — fills my heart and soul.
It’s funny because a few days ago I was going to write a post about how the whole acting thing feels so hopeless and pointless right now and yet, the mirror breaking prompted me to write this post and now I’ve convinced myself otherwise. I just had a director meeting for this awesome short play festival last night. I get to act in a reading this Sunday. And the trailer for my original feature is going to be finished any day now. Those are things I am stoked about. Not to mention starting grad school in the fall, plus new teaching responsibilities at the high school I work at. All good stuff. Positive stuff. And positive stuff brings more positive stuff, to put it so articulately. I guess I just needed to break a mirror to get a little reflection, gain a little perspective.