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The Big Break

9 Jan

No, not the kind that makes you famous over night; the kind that gives you a breather, time to reflect, time to relax. In a similar post last year, I wrote that actors need vacations, too. And it’s true! So much of this career is go-go-go with no real defining markers, like vacation time or company meetings or whatever else marks time. Half the time I don’t even know what day it is.

Anyway, the past two weeks were somewhat of a whirlwind of a break from all that is acting. A little Mexico, Palm Springs and San Francisco to end 2011 and ring in 2012. I found myself taking a lot in, doing little thinking about acting (which felt so nice) and a lot of thinking about other things that are growing in importance for me. It’s important to recognize that I have chosen this career path and everything in between. (I chose to get headshots from a specific photographer, I chose to join a certain theater company, I chose to accept certain projects, etc.) For the past two years, I have been going along like this, going through the motions in my pursuit of this career. And I realized, recently, that not all of it necessarily makes me happy. I do it because I’ve been doing it, letting it take control over me instead of the other way around. I made those decisions and I can just as easily make new ones. It’s kind of like when I was at NYU and miserable, fearing I was going to be stuck there for four years in my misery when I had an “aha” moment, that looking back seems so simple and obvious but wasn’t at all when I was in the thick of my unhappiness. I realized, hey, I can leave! It didn’t mean I was quitting acting, it didn’t mean I was a failure. Afterall, NYU was my dream, I strived for and achieved. But just because I decided to go there didn’t mean I had to stay there. There was nothing wrong with rejecting the traditional four-year college experience if it wasn’t working for me. It’s my life, I can do it however I want.

So I’m kind of realizing that with my life right now. They aren’t fully formed decisions yet, because I’m still processing it all. But this recent break did give me the ability to see a lot of things about my life that I don’t get to see on a day-to-day basis in the throws of acting career stuff. It’s funny, because I always say there is no “right” way to do this. No instruction guide, no ladder to climb. And yet, there are lots of things I’ve been doing because I feel I should, I have to. I need to take my own advice! I can go about this any way I want. Besides, acting is not my one and only passion, though it is the most prominent now. Over the break those other passions and desires started to speak up. It’s what made me realize that I need to change this up this year. Nor sure how or when or where, but I’m sure I’ll figure it out.

On the Way

5 Dec

Last Thursday I embarked on a new journey. Well, technically not new because I started it before back in 2008– omg how time flies. Anyway, it’s a kind of 12-step program– 12 weeks to be exact– in the form of a book, that is actually one of the books on my actor’s reading list: The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron.

I first bought the book in 2008 when I wasn’t ready. I was in this weird in-between phase… just out of college but far enough from graduating that I wasn’t really a recent college-grad. Living in San Francisco but dreaming of Los Angeles. Part-time job at a social media start-up, not quite willing to commit to a full 9-5. In other words, full of fear. So much so that I couldn’t get through just a menial layer to even finish week 1 of the 12 in the book. What’s ironic about it all is that the purpose of the book is to get through, past your fears and make your art, whatever that may be. But I guess it’s kind of like therapy. You have to want to go in order to get the therapy in the first place. So, I wasn’t ready and that’s okay. Now, I feel ready. I still feel scared, anxious, apprehensive, skeptical, but I’m ready and I’m doing it!

I know I will be faced with many challenges throughout the next 12 weeks, but I already feel good about week 1. Last night I picked up a paintbrush, which I haven’t done in a long, long time. Art was my first love after all– yes, even before acting. Granted, it was just slightly before but it was first none the less. Picking up the paintbrush wasn’t easy. First, I had to make the decision to do art. I was feeling bored (which is really just fear in disguise) and then I was feeling indecisive– go out to a Hawaiian themed Christmas party, or make art. Once I finally settled on option 2, I had to decide what kind of art– drawing? painting? holiday cards? And, what medium– pencil, pen, colored pencil, acrylic, oil, water color? On cardboard or paper or canvas? Too many options! Just enough to say, “You know what, forget it. I’ll just go out for a drink.” Fortunately, I silenced that voice. The book is full of helpful reminders to get past all those voices. I said to myself, “It doesn’t matter. Who cares what kind of art I do, as long as I do it.” So I settled on making an acrylic painting. But don’t think I was off the hook yet! No, no…. Once I started that painting I had to then silence my inner critic who wouldn’t shut up! “This doesn’t look right. The proportions are wrong. The color is ugly. The composition is boring. You’re wasting paint.” And on and on. Again, I had to remind myself: “It doesn’t matter.” I repeated what my 3rd grade art teacher used to tell us in after school art club, “There are no mistakes in art.” It’s become my mantra.

I realized, in this process of creating a simple painting, that this is so applicable to acting as well. I need to stop being concerned with how talented I am or am not or comparing myself to other’s abilities or other’s careers (not that I really do this a lot, but I think we’ve all been there…) I need to stop being concerned with how the lines come out as long as I’m truthful. I need to stop being worried about all the “shoulds” (i.e. you should do casting director workshops) and “shouldn’ts” (i.e. you shouldn’t do obscure non-union black box theater, it’s a waste of time) and just DO. I need to not be afraid to be bad. I have to silence that inner critic and hone in on that original voice, the one that called me to acting in the first place. There is a reason I heard it. That’s why I’m here, in LA finally committing to my dream, writing this blog, and embarking on this journey…

Pre New Year New Year’s List

21 Nov

I’ve been so busy this past month or so that I’ve hardly had time to write a proper blog post. I think I’ve even skipped a few weeks. And though I’m busy with good artsy stuff, it is not an excuse to put all the other things on hold. The things I’ve been kinda sorta saying to myself I’d think about after the new year– because what better excuse than the New Year to buckle down and get things done? But I know myself, I have to just DO. Too much time is wasted in the waiting for the “next time” to do the things on my list. So, slowly but surely, over the past few weeks I’ve been making a list and checking it twice, of what I want to prepare BEFORE 2012 arrives.

1. Renew Showfax: I know, shame on me that I even let it expire in the first place. But I don’t have it on auto-renew because, well, Im poor. And I waited to renew because I was so busy that I wasn’t submitting anyway. Figured I’d save myself a few bucks. However, the longer I didn’t renew, the longer I’d have an excuse to not submit and therefore not audition and therefore not book more things to keep me busy.

2. Revise Resume: This one’s a pain in the ass only because there’s not only the resume I physically hand to a CD, which I can easily update on Word, but there’s also the version on my website, on LA Casting, Casting Frontier and Actors Access. Ugh. But I have to suck it up and update them!

3. Revise Reel: Fortunately I’ve been a part of 3 projects in the past year that I can use footage from to add to my reel. It’s just a matter of tracking down all the footage, deciding what I want to use and then re-edit my reel. I’m workin’ on it…

4. Order Postcards: This is a big one for me. I know many, if not most actors have this already so they can keep in touch with CDs and do mailings and whatnot. For one reason or another (fear) I have yet to get my first ever postcards made. In the back of my mind I kept saying that there was no point in getting them until I start doing CD workshops. But I realize, that I’ve also been saying that there was no point in doing CD workshops until I have the postcards to keep in contact with them.

5. Sign up for CD Workshops: As I mentioned above, fear has held me back in a few areas of furthering my career. I’m willing to admit that I’ve been afraid to sign up for CD workshops. I’d taken them a couple years ago when I don’t think I was ready and I haven’t done one since. But it is time. I need to put myself out there more. If I can put myself out there on a stage, I should be able to do it in a casting room.

Back to School

12 Sep

I blame it on the heat. Ok, so the heat wave is over but it was really, really hot, and that heat was not conducive to staring at a computer screen, indoors, with no airconditioning, more than I already have to with all my side jobs that actually pay the rent. Alright, fine. I procrastinated. Monday came and went without a post. The truth comes out.

Anyway, with the heat wave gone, Memorial Day past, Halloween stores popping up, it’s very clear that back-to-school time is in full swing. Not that I’m in school, or have been for a while. But this time marker is in my mind for two reasons:

1. One of my rent jobs is teaching and directing highschool theater. All of a sudden there are show posters to design, writing assignments to assign and rehearsals to conduct. In fact, today is the first day of school.

2. I’m applying to grad school. Yup. It’s a terrifying prospect. I’m not exactly sure why. But it’s something I have thought about a lot over the last two years so I finally signed up for the GREs, began writing cover letters to past professors, and going through all the motions to get my applications together. Why the hell are you applying to grad school, you might ask, and for English no less. Are you giving up the dream?? Are you quitting acting?! Calm down. (This is more me talking to myself, really) I’m not. I feel it’s dangerous to make acting the only part of the picture. You only get one life and there’s a lot I’d like to experience in it. I don’t want acting to get in the way. I want to be open to the other inklings that I get in my gut, which draw me one way or another.  School was always one of those. Call me crazy, but I like school. I’m exploring that path. I may not get in. After all, I’m only applying to schools in the LA area– remember, I’m not giving up on acting. But it’s worth a shot!

I think of back to school and fall and I think of another opportunity for new beginnings. An excuse for a clean slate, a starting point. So I’m using this time to not only start a new semester of teaching and to try out for a new adventure (grad school), but also to dive into my other ventures with a renewed vigor.  So. Fall 2011- bring it!

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